Tuesday, June 22, 2010

In Water We Float..


We are very lucky to have the Guadalupe River about 15 minutes down the road, and yesterday was our day for fun on the river! This pic I grabbed off the internet as I (sadly) do not have a waterproof camera. I wish. I could have gotten some great pics! We did a two hour "trip" and only ran into a young couple hanging out and talking. We did, however meet the rapids (and then some!) of the type you see here, probably a bit more rapid!

My friend Linda had been talking about going down the river on inner tubes, and I am always hearing stories from co-workers and other friends about how much fun it is. Last summer, thanks to a big lack of rain, it was NO CAN DO on the river. Yesterday, after getting two tubes patched, and a kind gentleman in Bandera selling us two for $20 each (reasonable when you consider that to rent them, it's $10 each time!), we were ready to hit the river. Linda bought two for herself as we had borrowed the ones that we had patched from our friend Lorri. We took my friend Linda's truck and my VW, that way we could park at the "start" and then have a vehicle right where we wanted to get out. This worked. Mostly.

We entered the river, and the water felt great! My son Miles was so excited and happy; which was a pleasure to see, we have been having a tumultous time lately. Teenage-hood is hitting, and it is hitting hard and fast, among other things. The water started out slow, and we floated and relaxed. Our first set of rapids were fun "baby rapids" over a really shallow area. I got over them fairly easily, but Bubba Bob may not have! :) We continued on, just enjoying, and then hit an area of faster moving water, which was DEEP! Probably about 8 feet. It scared my son a little bit as he had been loafing along not in his tube, playing with some boat and toy that he had brought along. Linda helped him back onto his tube, and got him settled with that boat of his (not big, probably 12 inches by 8 inches) and helped him tie back up to her tube. After that we floated for quite some time, and then hit some rapids that we all had a blast on, just a little feeling of, "Oh sh**, I really have no control here!" We then had probably 30 more minutes of  floating at a decent rate, not skimming along, but not in the doldrums either, just perfect for an enjoyable (AHHH!) float on your back, catch some rays time.

Then it happened. Major rapids. I did fine, going first, which had nothing to do with it, I just got lucky. Miles got bumped around a bit, and of course now has quite a story. We had gone around a bend, and I couldn't see Linda. People do and have died tubing that river, and while I could hear her voice saying something, I couldn't hear what it was over the rapids. So I waited. She didn't sound distressed. And I waited. Then I freaked. Did she have a broken leg, what had happened? I left Miles with the tubes in the shallows, with STRICT orders NOT to move, and preceded to backtrack THROUGH the rapids (I was thrown backwards and had to start over twice!) before I made it to her. On the way, I retrieved Miles (darn) boat which he had lost, and the truck cable which we had been using as a tube tie. What I failed to retrieve was the KEY to the truck which Linda had had carabined to her tube somewhow. She was looking everywhere for that key (to the side of the rapids), but I convinced her to give it up. We were near the end spot by this point and managed to fit three huge tubes and three people into my VW bug! Yeah!

All was well, that ended well, sort of, as there is a bit more to the story. The spare key opened the doors to the truck when we got back from driving all the way back to her house, and back out there again :), but would not start it. It had gotten it's steering wheel locked, and the front tire was stuck against the curb. Have you ever locked the steering wheel and it will not start until you have a free moving wheel? Imagine that, with one tire totally using the curb as a brake. We had to get back to Linda's for Shorty's chemotherapy appointment, so roadside assistance was called later, and we both hit the the door at the same time, me to get home, her to hopefully unlock the wheel. Finger's crossed that some BIG MEN or their toys were able to help the situation.

Of course I saw my boy, and spent some time with him, unfortunately, not nearly what I had planned, and then I JUST HAD to watch Shorty's chemotherapy...get to that in a sec. Tried on Jackson's new Happy Mouth French Link with Dee's, and he was largely unimpressed. Which is GOOD! I will ride it in the next couple days and let you all know. I do know that I shoved it into my mouth (brand new) for at least 10 minutes and didn't detect a hint of apple flavor, which is what is supposed to get them chewing at it and loving it. My trainer is ALL for it, and named off a few top jumpers she has met who use them, so maybe J. will taste something I missed!!! :)  I  found a bargain on it about a month ago ($25 off!), and being anxious to get rid of the full cheek look, and liking the look of the Dee's, bought it. We are still using a French Link, no plans to fix something that isn't broken. I have NO control issues, stopping issues, and do not need anything stronger, for sure!I certainly don't expect it to fix any of my riding deficits, but Happy Mouth bits have such a great rep., and then when my trainer was all for it, I thought, why not? I got a pic of him on my phone that I really like, but the quality at 5.0 megapixels is a bit sad I'm afraid! But I love it!
 Oh...sad. Can't even blow it up! WHY, oh WHY did I have to forget my camera? Jackson was SO cute yesterday too, he came across probably 3-4 acres when he heard me call,  (FEELIN' LOVED), and then risked Red, the big BAD Red Horse of Linda's who tried to keep him away from me, JUST TO SEE ME!!! AWWW. God, I love my horse! I gave him tons of carrots later!

On to Shorty. If you read my blog, you may remember Shorty, Linda's spotted Appy who was given six months to live last September, diagnosed with cancer of the sheath. At the time she had recently had a growth removed, and then when another vet came out to the ranch to do Coggin's, shots, etc. he told Linda that it was already growing so agressively in the ONE month since she had it removed that the prognosis was grim.

 At the time, Linda decided NOT to do anything and to let nature take it's course. The reason behind this was that chemotherapy is EXPENSIVE, usually thousands, and why make him feel like crap from chemo. with such a bad prognosis?

 Since I had Karen McLain (fellow blogista) paint his portrait for Christmas, I firmly believe that is why he is doing so well (hee hee).... but on with the tale. By TOTAL coincidence, Linda was out on a trail ride three or so months ago, with our Equine club "Equine Hill Country Friends", and met a vet and his wife from Boerne. This guy  is a sweetheart, I was so impressed with him when I met him yesterday. Anyway, she told him Shorty's medical story while on the ride, and he told her about a treatment he does (and he and his friend have had quite a bit of success with) injecting the site (Shorty has carcinomas around his sheath, quite common in a pinkie skin Appy) with a chemotherapeutic agent called Cisplatin, and the hores's own serum (spun down into a liquid form). By using the horse's own serum (a blood product) it helps the horse's body kind of "recongnize" parts of the concoction as his own, and basically more effectively killing off the bad things, and leaving his good things alone. Very basic concept, but I hope you get the picture.

Yesterday was his last treatment  (four in all), and while he was down the vet ligatured the two growths. Now, they really have no blood supply, and the next six weeks should be the tell all. Will it work? Apparently there has been much success in this area, but most of the studies you read you won't find the vet using the horse's own serum. He says this is "his rocket science oncologist vet friend's idea", and really, mixing it with the horse's own serum makes more sense than the agents they say many vets use--like peanut oil!!

I really liked this vet, he spent about 20 minutes while we were spinning Shorty's blood telling me all about hoof abcessess (which Jackson has decided to give me FOUR of this spring) and what to do, and what not to bother with. He also spent a good deal of time telling me what to look for in a horse transportation agency when I do move him to Gainesville, FL. He also knew all about the pyrolplasmosis test and all the paperwork I will need to get him from Texas and into Florida!

 He was there for about two hours for the whole thing, start to finish. One thing I did NOT like. Shorty had to be given Ketamine and totally put down for this (understandable given that it is in the sheath area and so extensive), which was really freaky. Shorty started out just by closing his eyes, and then losing his footing (REALLY FREAKY) and then wham! DOWN! I don't think I'd be able to stand seeing this if it was  Jackson, (thankfully Linda would help) because just ask Linda or my friend Lorri; I don't know as much about horses and the ownership like they do (both with like 30 years expereince on me), and I am a huge worry wart with Jackson. I think they would both agree that I have gotten better, but it is REALLY nice to have experienced horsewomen like them around to soothe me when I get freaky!

So I did take Linda's calm cue from her, even though I was wondering why she was doing all this treatment when he was going to have two broken legs (JK)... The vet did his injections, ligatured the growths, we fly sprayed it, and not five minutes later Shorty jumped to his feet! The vet said Shorty metablolizes it fast, because normally with that amount he could get throught an entire castration on most other horses! 

Please think positive thoughts in Shorty's direction, he is one fabulous gaited guy, with a wonderful personality and so much fun to ride! I thank Shorty (Spotty--my lil' pet name for him)  for some of the most fabulous cantering, confidence building rides of my life! I want that horse back, as does his mama! We ALL want to ride him again, even Miles who really isn't all that into riding! The pic below is my last ride on Shorty, from early summer 2009, not very long before we found everything out.... I remember being very happy that day!




Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Free to Good Home...


My brother got me a subscription to this magazine, along with Horse Illustrated and Equus for Christmas last year. I read them cover to cover, but I am offering them to the first person who responds who will enjoy and read them!  While having plenty of intersting content, I am an English rider and these need to be in a Western home where they belong! I simply have four other magazines to keep up on, and just won't pull them out to read them again! I am also moving so....  There are fourteen issues, from February 2009- March 2010.All in pristine condition. So the information is current and if you are a Western rider, quite a deal! I only ask that you pay the postage which would be Media Mail, easily less than $5, I would imagine! Ok, all. Who wants them????

No takers yet, for real? Looks like the recycling bin may have a stack o' reading!!!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Remembering a Heartbeat..

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

                                                                       --W.H. Auden
                    a small part of the incredible poem "Funeral Blues"

After sixteen years my best friend has left me. Dakota was doing worse, and then, still worse, and then she gave me "the look" you had all been telling me about. She also started to whimper in pain, which I could NOT deal with. I precededed to do one of the hardest things of my entire life yet, and took her into the vet on 1 June. I sobbed like a baby all the way there. I wanted to turn around and go home, to YELL at death, "No, she's MINE, you can't have her!" But I thought about how she had whimpered in pain all afternoon, and I kept driving. I got her there and we went for a short walk through some green grass, and spent time together. She was very calm, which I found odd, becasuse she always shakes and just hates the vet. Not this day. Dakota knew, and she was okay with it. I think she did it for me. She was the strong one. The vet came in and the entire thing was very peaceful. Her heart stopped at 1800. Exactly 6 pm. I held her the entire time, my arms wrapped around her neck. Then I sat and just tried to memorize her face, and kiss her nose enough for the rest of my life. I  even sort of convinced myself she wasn't gone, even though I have been a vet tech and am now an RN, and knew quite well she was. The staff were incredible and took me out through the back, telling me to settle on the bill another day. I loved them for making this part as easy as they could, and caring about my feelings.

The drive home was the most desolate hell I have ever experienced. The world seemed black and pointless around me. The days since have been terrible. My superiors have been cold and not understanding, putting me through far more than deserved, although I thank my co-workers for being supportive and caring. I am truly ready to hit the road for Florida--to live with one of my best friend's in Gainesville--I feel my time in Texas is done. I hate it here, and sadly, always have. I have maybe two friends, which is odd, I've always had lots of friends. (Best friends, just a couple...). Five years of hoping a place will get better is a fair shot. I want to leave nursing as well. To do what, I have no idea, but there sure are alot of beautiful barns with $$$$ where I'm going. Maybe I'll go shovel manure for awhile. The difference job wise between nursing and shoveling would be minute.

Since 'Kota died, the house is so empty, I constantly perk up when I hear one of the I.D. tags on a cat or my other dog of a few months rattle, I am poised; waiting to jump up and help Dakota with whatever she needs. Then it hits me. Hard. She's not here. I'll never be able to kiss her on the nose again. I feel like I'm in a fog. Can't eat or sleep, on the edge of losing my mind, which I won't but this HAS TO BE CLOSE. I cannot reconcile the little four week old darling I got in Key West and kept for all these years, to this, well, this urn that I have on the shelf. I am having a mahogony handmade box made with a picture and a plaque on it, but it is not here yet. I just got the urn (and it's ugly, plain, and white) back yesterday and have gone and talked to it once or twice, and shook it to let Dakota know we were home, and that I'm here. Her collar and tag, a card a co-worker sent, and some Wildflower seeds are also there on the shelf where I keep the Dresden Angels from Germany that my mom gave me. I had the chance to bury her on my friend's property, but I want to keep her with me to eventually have a small portion go into the ocean in Key West (her favorite beach to play!) and the rest to go with my ashes someday. I also will not stay in Texas and so burying her here was out of the question.

I suppose one of the hardest things to deal with in not having her here is  the "alone" factor. I have been single since my only marriage fourteen years ago. I pledged that I would only be with the right person after that mistake at the age of nineteen, and deal with being alone (if I didn't meet the perfect one) after that. But I always had Dakota. And when that wonderful dog was around, you WERE NOT alone. All the lonely times I would experience were better when she was present. She loved the beach, open restaruants (she didn't need a leash), going for our leashless walks and meeting people, chasing her rope bones (for hours!) and chewing on her rawhides (I had to throw away the Dingo bone bag, it is SO her and looking at it just GOT me), her hanging out of my Jeep or car for "her" rides, and following me for miles on my mountain bike for a trek. She loved horses and trail rides too! I suppose the days will get better, but loss is not my strong suite, I am finding. I will do another post down the road that is a proper tribute to Dakota, and her wonderful personality. Right now I just can't. In fact, right now, the whole front of my shirt is wet, and you'd think I'd never heard of a kleenex. But she deserves some real face time as the amazing, incredible, funny gal that she was, one that will explain why anyone would be so damn sad after having a friend like her around for sixteen years!!

On the Florida front. I do want to go. Probably more than even I really know. I have always promised myself I would move back, and with my friend losing her husband, When Sorrows Like Sea Billows Roll, the timing seems right. Scary, but right. Full circle. I think Jackson will love the jumper barn I have already picked out in Florida, don't you? It is 30 minutes away from the Ocala area--HITS, Canterbury--lots of big name Grand Prix shows, so if I play it right, I will receive lots of jumping training, and of course we will continue our trail rides which we both love more than anything!  I, myself never expect to be a Grand Prix anything, but I know I'll enjoy the lessons and showing, even if I'm just in baby classes! Honestly, I don't care. So, while I have a barn (or two) picked out, they can't be too snobby, or snarky as they can tend to be at the higher levels. That, I am certainly not, and won't put up with! I want down to earth and also competitive, the ribbons or the barn status should not rule the day. But the beauty of these places leaves me drooling. Bottom lip on the floor drooling. Especially after flat, brown, dry, scrub tree, no real Grand Prix circuit Texas. At least no circuit in my neck of this huge state. No doubt, Jackson will receive the royal treatment and love every minute of it, even if we can only afford pasture boarding if I leave nursing!

The times they are a changin' as old Bob Dylan used to say, come what may. We never know what is going to come, but it SURE IS going to come regardless, right? Gotta go, gotta move on. Nothin' stays the same....
Brilliant sentiment. But still scary as hell.

            And Dakota, I'll be seeing you at the pump.....Mama

If you are wondering about the comment above, see my post When I Get To Heaven.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Last Night.....

Last Night....

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body....you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.

Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...as soon as you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go, will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear. Won't rest until I squeeze your blood out......you


Freakin' mosquito.