Remembering a Heartbeat..

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

                                                                       --W.H. Auden

                    a small part of the incredible poem "Funeral Blues"

After sixteen years my best friend has left me. Dakota was doing worse, and then, still worse, and then she gave me "the look" you had all been telling me about. She also started to whimper in pain, which I could NOT deal with. I precededed to do one of the hardest things of my entire life yet, and took her into the vet on 1 June. I sobbed like a baby all the way there. I wanted to turn around and go home, to YELL at death, "No, she's MINE, you can't have her!" But I thought about how she had whimpered in pain all afternoon, and I kept driving. I got her there and we went for a short walk through some green grass, and spent time together. She was very calm, which I found odd, becasuse she always shakes and just hates the vet. Not this day. Dakota knew, and she was okay with it. I think she did it for me. She was the strong one. The vet came in and the entire thing was very peaceful. Her heart stopped at 1800. Exactly 6 pm. I held her the entire time, my arms wrapped around her neck. Then I sat and just tried to memorize her face, and kiss her nose enough for the rest of my life. I  even sort of convinced myself she wasn't gone, even though I have been a vet tech and am now an RN, and knew quite well she was. The staff were incredible and took me out through the back, telling me to settle on the bill another day. I loved them for making this part as easy as they could, and caring about my feelings.

The drive home was the most desolate hell I have ever experienced. The world seemed black and pointless around me. The days since have been terrible. My superiors have been cold and not understanding, putting me through far more than deserved, although I thank my co-workers for being supportive and caring. I am truly ready to hit the road for Florida--to live with one of my best friend's in Gainesville--I feel my time in Texas is done. I hate it here, and sadly, always have. I have maybe two friends, which is odd, I've always had lots of friends. (Best friends, just a couple...). Five years of hoping a place will get better is a fair shot. I want to leave nursing as well. To do what, I have no idea, but there sure are alot of beautiful barns with $$$$ where I'm going. Maybe I'll go shovel manure for awhile. The difference job wise between nursing and shoveling would be minute.

Since 'Kota died, the house is so empty, I constantly perk up when I hear one of the I.D. tags on a cat or my other dog of a few months rattle, I am poised; waiting to jump up and help Dakota with whatever she needs. Then it hits me. Hard. She's not here. I'll never be able to kiss her on the nose again. I feel like I'm in a fog. Can't eat or sleep, on the edge of losing my mind, which I won't but this HAS TO BE CLOSE. I cannot reconcile the little four week old darling I got in Key West and kept for all these years, to this, well, this urn that I have on the shelf. I am having a mahogony handmade box made with a picture and a plaque on it, but it is not here yet. I just got the urn (and it's ugly, plain, and white) back yesterday and have gone and talked to it once or twice, and shook it to let Dakota know we were home, and that I'm here. Her collar and tag, a card a co-worker sent, and some Wildflower seeds are also there on the shelf where I keep the Dresden Angels from Germany that my mom gave me. I had the chance to bury her on my friend's property, but I want to keep her with me to eventually have a small portion go into the ocean in Key West (her favorite beach to play!) and the rest to go with my ashes someday. I also will not stay in Texas and so burying her here was out of the question.

I suppose one of the hardest things to deal with in not having her here is  the "alone" factor. I have been single since my only marriage fourteen years ago. I pledged that I would only be with the right person after that mistake at the age of nineteen, and deal with being alone (if I didn't meet the perfect one) after that. But I always had Dakota. And when that wonderful dog was around, you WERE NOT alone. All the lonely times I would experience were better when she was present. She loved the beach, open restaruants (she didn't need a leash), going for our leashless walks and meeting people, chasing her rope bones (for hours!) and chewing on her rawhides (I had to throw away the Dingo bone bag, it is SO her and looking at it just GOT me), her hanging out of my Jeep or car for "her" rides, and following me for miles on my mountain bike for a trek. She loved horses and trail rides too! I suppose the days will get better, but loss is not my strong suite, I am finding. I will do another post down the road that is a proper tribute to Dakota, and her wonderful personality. Right now I just can't. In fact, right now, the whole front of my shirt is wet, and you'd think I'd never heard of a kleenex. But she deserves some real face time as the amazing, incredible, funny gal that she was, one that will explain why anyone would be so damn sad after having a friend like her around for sixteen years!!

On the Florida front. I do want to go. Probably more than even I really know. I have always promised myself I would move back, and with my friend losing her husband, When Sorrows Like Sea Billows Roll, the timing seems right. Scary, but right. Full circle. I think Jackson will love the jumper barn I have already picked out in Florida, don't you? It is 30 minutes away from the Ocala area--HITS, Canterbury--lots of big name Grand Prix shows, so if I play it right, I will receive lots of jumping training, and of course we will continue our trail rides which we both love more than anything!  I, myself never expect to be a Grand Prix anything, but I know I'll enjoy the lessons and showing, even if I'm just in baby classes! Honestly, I don't care. So, while I have a barn (or two) picked out, they can't be too snobby, or snarky as they can tend to be at the higher levels. That, I am certainly not, and won't put up with! I want down to earth and also competitive, the ribbons or the barn status should not rule the day. But the beauty of these places leaves me drooling. Bottom lip on the floor drooling. Especially after flat, brown, dry, scrub tree, no real Grand Prix circuit Texas. At least no circuit in my neck of this huge state. No doubt, Jackson will receive the royal treatment and love every minute of it, even if we can only afford pasture boarding if I leave nursing!

The times they are a changin' as old Bob Dylan used to say, come what may. We never know what is going to come, but it SURE IS going to come regardless, right? Gotta go, gotta move on. Nothin' stays the same....
Brilliant sentiment. But still scary as hell.

            And Dakota, I'll be seeing you at the pump.....Mama

If you are wondering about the comment above, see my post When I Get To Heaven.

Up the Downhill

Hello dear readers! Yes, all, (ahem) five of you! Yes, it has been awhile since my last post, and many things have gone on. I will highlight a couple here, but won't bore you with the other tales of woe! First and foremost, I am in the midst of losing my best doggie friend. My right hand girl Dakota turned sixteen in April. I have had her since she was five weeks old in Key West, and she is declining rapidly. She can barely walk, and every few days is incontinent in the house. Sometimes she gets stuck in the dog door in the middle of the night. I am constantly sleep deprived as I listen with one ear open for telltale noises of distress. I give her anti-inflammatories, pain medicine (just in case, although she doesn't seem to be in pain) and MSM, Chondroitin, Vitamin C and Calcium. Easily $200 a month. Not that it matters. Here's the thing. I don't have the nerve to make the appointment to end it. I feel like I should don a black grim reaper's robe and wear that when I take her. And when I think on it too hard, I end up sobbing. It would be so much easier if she were in pain, then the decision would be made because I WON'T endure my baby hurting. I find that so many people while giving lip service to what is happening, are inwardly thinking, "Sixteen years, what is she complaining about?" I know I'm lucky to have been blessed with her for so long, but it makes it almost harder. She is two years older than my son. She has been through EVERYTHING with me....

Lots of other really cruddy things have also been going on, but I won't bore you here. But I am defintiely at an all time low! E-mails are 200+ long, and I just paid the bills, which are (thankfully) not late! A good thing that happened was that I was able to meet our fellow blogger Winter from HorseCentric . Since she came my way for a clinic, I was able to set her up to stay with one of my friends for two nights. Much to my regret, I was only able to have dinner with her the night she came in. My car decided that it wanted to DIE on a hill in the middle of nowhere on the way to said dinner (in the pouring rain)! I had wanted to attend her clinic very badly on the last day, and even though I had my car back, since it was storming and they hadn't found a thing wrong with my car?????, I decided not to chance an hour drive in a torrential downpour not knowing what my car might do! Also, it was not conducted in a covered arena. While I would have liked to have been there for Winter, standing in a thunderstorm auditing a clinic sounded, well, you know, decidedly not fun! Hopefully Winter won't give up on me and we can ride together soon!

                                        Sleep. Sounds good.

On the horsey front. Jackson and I are plugging away at our lessons and working at first level in order to reach that (closer all the time!) goal of  making it to a show this year. A few jumps here and there, but I haven't been building them so I've just been practicing lots of two point when I get the chance. My last lesson we worked on lengthening which was pretty cool once I got it! Or the concept anyway! On Tuesday, Linda and I went on a trail ride, and I finally rode her BIG Red Horse, Red, a Missouri Foxtrotter. He is 16.3 and I  felt like I was doing a split. It wasn't the height, he is a bit, ahem, FAT. He has lost quite a bit of weight, (he wasn't Linda's main mount until recently) and finally doesn't break into that white frothy sweat between his legs after five minutes! He did break into this really nasty pace that you could not sit or post while riding him. I hated it! It wasn't what you want out of a horse like that, but the Foxtrotter gate is a creature in and of itself, and his owner rarely gets him to do it. It was so uncomfortable, I'm pretty sure he made it up on his own! If you've ever ridden a really nice gaited horse, then you know that it is one of the most sublime do- nothing rides you could have. Post a trot? Why? Canter? Oh. I am? It feels like I'm in a rocking chair. Yeah. This wasn't that! FAR, FAR from that! I could sense immense POWER if he really went, but he was a good boy and his Kimberwick offered comfort, especially when Linda took off at a canter riding Jackson across a big field without us, and he had aspirations of trying a new racing career! So here I am. Getting on with the everyday living thing..... My glass is neither half empty nor half full. Gotta take a big long drink from the hose and move on!

Jackson in his snazzy new halter and Red being nosy (his main job!).....

I Am Thankful For....

Well, here it is Thanksgiving and the lazy ones are still asleep at 10am; me awake since the hairy crack of dawn....Just reflecting on all that I am thankful for (wow, I really am getting a bit cheesy in my old age...grin...) and I realized that while I post about my son Miles and my horse Jackson quite frequently, I have given absolutely no attention to the main standby in my life, my dog Dakota. I got Dakota in 1994 at the age of 6 weeks when I lived in Key West, Florida. She predated my son by two years and will be fifteen years old in April of 2009. She is simply the light of my life and my biggest fan. She is still going strong and needs no special medications. She is a bit arthritic, but I give her daily MSM, Chondroitin, and Glucosamine and this does wonders for her. I give her Rimadyl occasionally if she looks like she is in pain, but not often, and mostly when it gets chilly here during the winter and she is especially limpy. I am contemplating adding a new dog to my household, but this is still in its early stages of thought. It feels like I would be being slightly unloyal to my best friend. I do know I will always have a dog in my life, none will replace Dakota, but I believe they each fit into the different places we are at at that time in our life. Don't laugh anyone, but I actually looked into having her cloned. Probably a bad idea, and ethically reprehensible to some, and weird in lots of ways, but it was just me trying to let my beloved pet live on a bit longer. Since that is NOT an option and would cost more money than I will even mention, I have informed Dakota that dying before the age of 25 is not an option. She seemed to agree. When the time does come, I will not prolong her time on earth just to keep her around if she has no quality of life left, and no, I won't be calling the local taxidermist. (And folks, I'm in Texas, taxidermy is everywhere here, a staple for the cowboy who wants to show off his trophy hunt!). I will cremate her and keep her ashes. I would spread them but we have lived in so many places, I will have to think before I know where they should go. Maybe into the ocean down in the Keys. Key West being out on the water brought us both endless hours of peace and happiness. So, today I am endlessly thankful for all God has blessed me with, and Dakota is in the spotlight--14+ years with the world's best dog--I am a lucky girl!!

Dakota giving my friend Mary a piece of her mind. Dakota driving my VW beetle...

'Kota's favorite pastime...chewing on a bone!